It's so White Outside!

For any parent, seeing your child's eyes light up at the first actual snowfall is something that gets burned into your memory and will be one that you carry with you for a lifetime. We've made it to the weekend, amazingly enough, this has been one of the most normal weeks we've had in a long long time. After the issues on Monday with Aidan not even stepping foot into the classroom, he ended his weekly report on a high note so that makes me happy. This weekend is his time with his biological father Nick. Sadly, we lost Nick's mom, Bobbie, earlier this year. Her and Aidan were close. Especially since Nick is their only child, this was the first grandson they knew. I've noticed that over the year, Aidan refers to her death alot. It's almost like it's still fresh in his memory. He was very inquizitive when she passed, as any child dealing with their first death usally is. But he cried and morned like I did, and I'm twenty-five. At the time, Aidan was only five. It amazes me how big a heart can be inside something so little. He loves going to "Papa's" house, and since it's the only Grandpa he knows, it warms my heart knowing he's lucky to still have that bond. Aidan called me this evening to inform me that it had snowed there too! Granted, it's only about 15 minutes from here, but still.. he was so amazed by that. Papa caved and let him open an early Christmas present, a remote control car and they were terrorizing the basement with homemade ramps and race courses. They also found an old set of Bobbie's for making Christmas Candles. He seems to be really enjoying himself. The true test wont come until next week when he has to go back to school after his weekend is over. He's becoming more and more tired, and finding him going to bed around 7:30 or so. The doctors told us his medication will cause him some mild drowsiness, and since this was the first full week of those medications, hopefully he'll come thru this and get used to the side effects. My biggest fear is that we'll lose some of that uniqueness in the process. Once the hazzyness clears, and the medication has settled in his system, will snow still seem exciting?

When Can I be Santa?

Every single day Aidan says things that still amaze me. Wether or not it's his Aspie's... he can warm up my heart with just the little things. Tonight was no exception. We're having a quiet evening at home, nothing special. Just watching a Christmas movie on abcfam, when Aidan so sweetly looks up at me and asks, "Mom, when can I be Santa?" As if this was a career oppurtunity that he would learn about later in life. Like a child telling you, "I want to be an astronaut," or "I want to be a firefighter." No. My son's aspperation is to become Santa Clause. I'm actually thankful he still believes because with everything else going on, it makes me happy knowing that he still has that youthful innocence about him and that even tho he's dealing with Aspie's, he's still able to be a kid. I then asked him why he wanted to be Santa, and he thought about that for a moment. And I could see those gears turning in his eyes and I knew whatever answer he gave, it was going to be a great one. He simply said, "Well... I want to be able to give presents to my friends like Abbi and Blake." Those are his cousins. Such a selfless answer, not, "I want to be able to give myself every toy I've ever wanted." And that's what I've always loved about him. He has always been unique, but at times, he can be the must big hearted caring child I've ever seen. Even his list this year for Santa, it wasn't anything extravigant, he didn't ask for very expensive things, in fact.. I was surprised at it's modistey. He even asked for a Teddy Bear. That list touched my heart. I'm looking forward to Christmas this year with him, as I always have in the past. But I feel that this year I'll cherish it more than anything.

I'm So Glad I Came out of your Tummy..

It's been nearly a week since Aidan was discharged from Psych and with the medications he's on, he's actually been making it thru his day at school. We get a report home everyday letting us know how it was and today, every spot was a smiley face except under writing, where his teacher wrote, "he threw his pencil and said he hated me." She even put a sad face. He's got a wonderful teacher, she's younger and has minored in special education. For her, I see Aidan as sort of a special project, testing her abilities to manage special needs children and help him thru his day to day objectives. But this isn't the first time Aidan has lashed out with the hate word at someone in the middle of one of his outbursts. I would love to say that it doesn't hurt hearing your little child say they hate you, but it does. It makes it harder somedays with all the work and anxiety you go thru as a parent, that what your doing isn't making a difference and they don't appreciate you. I have this dream that one day, when Aidan is much much older he'll give me the biggest hug I've ever gotten and he'll say, "Thank You Mom, you've given up so much and sacrificed to give me a better life and I will never forget it." I think it's a dream because for most parents dealing with Aspie children, this is something we'll never hear. Not that hearing these words will make our struggle anything more, it's just.. it's sort of like when you give a really special gift. Your heart is in the right place, you spent hours, weeks, months, planning this one special gift for someone, something you know they are just gonna be floored by.. and when they open it, their happy but you have to constantly go into detail how long you've planned it, how long it took to get, the search and the thought behind it. We don't just give it and be done, we like to feel good for giving. It's the same with putting in countless migrain filled hours helping make your child's life better. But then again, I may not need to ever hear those words from his mouth. If he just kept doing what he's doing now, I'd be happy. Tonight he came up to me before bedtime, put his arms around me and said, "Mom, I'm so glad I came outta your tummy." And I said, "Me too honey, me too."

And it Starts Today.

All the warning signs were there... I just never pieced it together. It wasn't until he started having these meltdowns that I suspected maybe something else was wrong and maybe my son wasn't just being a typical braty child. I can't describe the feeling of hearing that your little boy, your baby, has been suspended for chasing around his vice principal with a pair of scissors in his hand. When your handed this little bundle of joy at birth, no one slaps a warning label on them that says "Caution: Your Child May be Autistic, Proceed with Care." After the school incident, we tried seeing doctors and Outpatient programs, but he was also kicked out of those for asaulting a teacher with his coat. So, two weeks ago, Aidan went to children's Psych. I've never felt so weak in my life then having to close a door behind me and watch my six year old in paper scrubs having blood work and vitals taken while crying and pleading with me not to leave him there. He is my world. He's one of the reason's I'm here today. Hearing over and over again, "Your son has Aspergers.. a form of Autism...," it just never registers with you what that means. First off, your thinking to yourself, "Did he just say assburgers?" And oh! That comedian, the one that played off of his disease, isn't that what he called it? Your head spins and spins and spins, and at first, you take that deep sigh of relief, FINALLY.. we have an answer. But then the reality sets in that this isn't like the flu or chicken pox. It won't just get better and go away after 7 to 10 days. This is something that changes our life. This changes the course from now on. Hearing doctors and social workers coaching you on how to talk to your son in a whole different way, treating him differently but at the same time, being normal. It's like a precisely tuned juggling act, but with one tiny slip, it can all come tumbling down. Taking this one day at a time is much easier said then done. Trying to structure our entire lives around one person, and working and being a parent and a wife, how do we do this? Of course, I'm sure like many, I've had this "Why Me?" moment. The moment where you start questioning everything. Asking, "Why was I picked to raise this child.." and then you take one look into those deep brown eyes, and realize, he could have every disease known to man kind and he'd still be yours. He's still your Aidan. So it all starts today.